Yesterday, I Witnessed a Man Publicly Devaluing a Woman

Yesterday, I stopped at my favorite salad shop to pick up a salad for dinner. Before I got out of my truck, I observed a late-twentyish, casually dressed couple going inside. I liked the fact that he held the door for her.

I got out and followed them in and stood on line behind them trying to figure out the type of salad I wanted.  The woman ordered her  salad. When it was the guy’s turn, I noticed that he asked for numerous toppings, because at this place, a customer can make their own salad by choosing from a large assortment of ingredients. The usual number of salad ingredients is 6-7 but this man must have ordered at least 10.

I was glad though to see this couple eating hearty salads for dinner.

The problem started when they reached the cash register. The clerk rang up the woman’s salad first. The woman took her salad to a table and then went to get a beverage. After the clerk rang up the man’s, salad, she stood there expectantly and waited to be paid. The man looked over to where the woman was sitting and said, “I thought you had paid.” She shook her head, “No.”

He sucked his teeth loudly and started scowling at her. The woman pretended not to notice. He then exhorted, “Man!” and started muttering and swearing. The woman busied herself sticking her straw in her drink, but I could tell that she was upset and  totally embarrassed.

And I was embarrassed for her. It brought home to me once again why I continue to stress vetting men. No woman should ever be in a situation like that.

But if anyone had seen this woman on the street, they wouldn’t expect that a good-looking (because she would be considered quite attractive by typical men), average-sized, stylish woman like her would ever put up with such shabby treatment. I stood there wishing so hard that she would just get up, leave her salad, and quietly leave him standing there at the cash register. But she didn’t. She just sat there as he continued to snort and glare at her. By this time, others were looking at him and looking at her. They were also looking at each other, giving each other knowing looks, probably thinking about Ray and Janay Rice because he looked a bit like Ray Rice.

But he still didn’t pay! This must have gone on for close to 5 long minutes as he went through his antics. He kept trying to get the woman’s attention. Meanwhile the line behind us was getting longer. I was next in line.  I wondered how this would end.

The young female clerk kept looking at him silently, waiting for payment. She didn’t know what to do, so she just waited. Finally, the woman got up and came up to the cash register and said something to the man. The man started muttering louder and actually stamped his feet. His shoulders jerked roughly. If in private, I believe he would have gotten physical with her. I could tell by his body language that he was about to explode.

Finally he grabbed his wallet out of his back pocket and opened it. I saw a bunch of bills in it. He paid for the salads. The total amount was about $20. All of that for $20!

He didn’t even think this woman was worth the price of her salad!

I wondered later how the night ended for her. I also wondered how much of her life she had already wasted with him.  It was an incredibly sad and disgusting episode of a woman being publicly devalued.

The fact is that vetting is not enough. This man wasn’t hard to vet at all. I and every person who witnessed this episode easily vetted him in a matter of a few minutes. I’m sure this wasn’t the first time he’d behaved this way toward her. Far from it!  After a woman vets a man, she must act in a way that protects and promotes her interests. And do it quickly.

So the problem in this situation is not that she didn’t vet him. She knows what he is. Instead, she didn’t ACT to protect herself, protect her value, and promote her interests. With this type of behavior, it goes without saying that she will lose every time.

14 thoughts on “Yesterday, I Witnessed a Man Publicly Devaluing a Woman

  1. It is truly sad to see how little ( i’m assuming they were black ) young black women expect from males these days, because these person certainly did not behave like a man. SMH.

    • Veggieval, I haven’t seen such a raw exhibition of this type of behavior before, but I’d heard of it. This happened in a very middle class area–NOT in an under-resourced area (aka ‘hood or trailer park).

      What made it all the more jolting was that they were dressed in a typical mainstream way. There was no indication beforehand that this would happen. As I said, I had given him ‘gentlemanly’ points for holding the door for her. That had brought a smile to my face. I’d looked upon them as a nice, young couple out for dinner. smh

      I wonder what she said to him when she came back to the cash register. lol Maybe she promised to pay him back or possibly that the shop might call the police?

      A woman should get this worked out before she goes out with a man. I hate to see any woman in a situation like that!

  2. I’ve seen this with Black couples at Chipotles and Chick-fil-A’s. I wish they would at least try to hide this conduct in these types of fast food restaurants.

    I was also at the checkout in Nordstrom’s (Off the Rack) and a Black couple in front of me was buying a pair of Men’s jeans at $40. The women gave the cashier cash but there was still the balance of tax (on these Men’s jeans) of about $2 and some change. I saw shoulder shrugs and heads waving. LOL. Finally the man pulled out his wallet full of cash and gave the cashier $3. SMH. I would have never noticed what was going on if they hadn’t been taking so long to pay. I was just happy that I was the only one in line the witness the nonsense.

    • Classycns, I agree that these women shouldn’t even go out in public with these males. I can’t even imagine how a woman in that type of situation could allow that man to even think anything is EVER, EVER, EVER going to happen in the “romance” dept–EVER again. It’s such slimy behavior! I know that some folks will say that it’s 2015 and lots of women don’t even care about things like that, but nothing changes the fact that she’s still being devalued in the eyes of the rest of the world (aside from those who come from mutated subcultures), and that acceptance of the devaluation by any woman affects the way others in the world see and value or devalue her and women in her group. That’s the reality. Just because a woman doesn’t care how a man treats her doesn’t change the fact that he’s mistreating her.

      I just finished reading the book “The Sisters are Alright” by Tamara Winfrey Harris and she hit a lot of the bullseyes. It’s an engaging read, but IMO, she still mostly gave the in-group dirt that black folks do to each other a pass by pinning most of the blame on history, present day racism, the media, or de evil white folks, whereas she didn’t slice and dice the intra-group mess that blacks pile on each other enough. Her view seems to be that blacks just can’t help that they self-hate or act warped– because of racism and poverty. I won’t ever accept that. I’ve seen extreme poverty among blacks in this country and in Africa and I’ve certainly seen Jim Crow in action in this country, but blacks still behaved the same as normal people in the rest of the world. Behaving like a normal, decent person is what must be done under any and all circumstances and that, in itself, has its own great reward. We’re not responsible for what anyone did to us yesterday, but as an adult, we are each responsible for the overwhelming most of what we do today. But too many black folks refuse to say that to other black folks and continue to whine about “blaming the victim.”

      Where I came from, the harm inflicted by your own on you was considered 1,000 times worse than anything anyone outside could ever do to you. In other words, your own family, community, and those inside your group were expected to be your first line of defense, support, and general good treatment. These days, it seems to be just the opposite by many black Americans? That’s just not the way the world works.

      So, IMO, the in-group clean-up has to take place first because that indicates that the prognosis for the group is a positive one. That in itself brings better treatment from others because people don’t tend to care nearly as much about ailing and dying things; they care much more for and are willing to invest in people and things that seem to be healthier or on the mend. When men show publicly that they value women, that shows others directly and indirectly more than anything else that those women are worthy and are to be protected and valued.

      • Thanks for responding. I appreciate your site so much. Before I learn about your site a few years ago I thought I was going insane trying to figure out why I was repelled by what I was seeing in the BC. Even the IBM was working my nerves. LOL. Once I realized that the lack of reciprocity is what was missing then I had my “ah ha” moment. I then stop being angry with BM and just starting ignoring them, like they have done to me for years. Yes I was cute and nice but still not good enough. I had BM friendships but when it came to love and marriage BW were not on their radars. Actually I cool with it now. I have always been attracted to Non-Black men but the BC shames BW for this. I also started to notice that ALL of the BW friends and BW acquaintances married to Non-Black men were well living well; like stay- at- home moms while living in the most exclusive neighborhoods. Again another “ah ha” moment. Smile.

        • I’ve just never had blinders on about black men or men of ANY group. I vet men as individuals. I came of age at a time when black girls and women around me were expected to reject blinders about men. On top of that, I knew that I didn’t want junk in my life, so I made sure I avoided it.

          Unfortunately for so many AA women, they see and think with their hearts–not with their heads. They’ve been “programmed” to do that by the the black “community” especially when it comes to black men. The reality of the lop-sidedness or non-reciprocal relationship on the part of the overwhelming majority of black men in the U.S. toward their female counterparts is sparkling clear. People in other groups who I mingle with wonder why typical AA women, supposedly smart women, just don’t GET IT. AA women are improving a bit but there is STILL mass love on the part of AA women toward their beloved user and abuser black men. I have 2 black sons and they totally agree with me. They don’t understand why so many AA women are gullible and just won’t cut the cord on non-reciprocal men.

          A case in point is the movie NWA that I’m sure many “programmed” AA women will find all kinds of EXCUSES to pay money in order to see themselves defiled, degraded, and IGNORED, that is unless they’re light, bright, and almost white. I lived during the time of the rise of NWA and I still remember all of the excuses made by black people (men and women) as to why we all NEEDED to support violent, misogynistic NWA type males. I knew better and I argued strongly against them then in my social circle, but I was accused of “hating bm.” That didn’t shut me up, but my voice and those of a few others like me were drowned out by the masses of blacks. They virtually killed C. Dolores Tucker, but she tried so hard! May she rest! Tipper Gore (former VP Al Gore’s wife) also vehemently denounced NWA type lyrics but blacks quickly and loudly labelled her a racist, so she had to shut up. But now, I read where so many black folks are denying that the overwhelming majority of blacks supported NWA. SMH They’re claiming that blacks were mostly always against violent, misogynistic (c)rap noise like that. They are LIARS! Blacks were overwhelmingly in support of all of it. They’re now trying to blame it all on de evil white folks for catapulting NWA and others like them to fortune, fame and glory.

          But KARMA is a big, bad B. The use and abuse of soft-hearted, naive, “programmed” black women is an all-time tragedy and those who have taken advantage will have to pay for it. In essence, AA women have largely been destroyed. They don’t even resemble who we used to be as women. No people can survive the destruction of their women. RAP music, heavily defended by and supported by those INSIDE the black “community,” was a huge contributor to that destruction.

          I do what I can to help, as usual, but KARMA is on the way. KARMA doesn’t forget. KARMA is real. Actions have unavoidable consequences. There is always cause and effect in the universe. This is why I’ve urged black women to stay out of ALL fights. Black women have already overpaid their dues, and this is not a woman’s fight anyway.

          Please urge other black women to NOT allow themselves to be manipulated by anyone into becoming a fighter! And if you see or hear of any black woman trying to fight any part of this, it’s because others are using her internalized “program” to manipulate her.

  3. I’m starting to notice a trend. It seems like some BM are trying to get back in good graces with BW practically career BW. It’s like they see the potentially earning power that career driven BW have and they are trying to get back on the gravy train as it were. I’m noticing that the type of BM that would ignore me a decade ago is now showing interest. I just SMH and keep it moving. If it were for sites like yours I might have falling for the okey doke. No not really. LOL. Thanks again for all your help and positive articles that uplift and encourage Black women.

    • CNS, Yes, I’ve already seen where more and more bm are trying to get back into the good graces of bw, but they first want bw to agree to do a few things differently. LOL! For ex., many bm want bw to let bm take control, and they also want bw to lose weight, get rid of the “attitude” become more feminine acting/ladylike etc.

      There’s nothing wring with any of this on the surface. For ex., I don’t see anything wrong with bm taking control of the ship IF they can steer the ship successfully to shore. I’ve always believed that the MAIN, if not only, reason bw take so much upon themselves and become mules is because they can’t rely on bm to play their position at all or do it well enough. I mean, no black girl or woman in her right mind looks forward in life to becoming a mule. Bw become mules for a reason: they have no/little choice.

    • Keesha, vetting a person means to EVALUATE or check out the person to see whether they have what it takes to perform the role you want them to play in your life. Vetting a man also depends on the stage you’re at in your life, and what you want in that man for the particular role you want him to perform. For ex., if you’re 19, you may just want a guy to go out with for dancing and having light-hearted fun. In that case, you’d want a man who would enjoy dancing and someone who’s flexible about going to lots of different places where y’all could dance and do generally fun things. He also would have to at least have the income for getting into those places and to cover other expenses involved. A good sense of humor would make him a more fun partner for these activities. This is an extreme example maybe but some women just like men to go out with (for safety) and the woman doesn’t mind paying her own way. However, if you’re 26, you’re probably vetting him for a more serious relationship/marriage and that requires a much more extensive checklist of items. You want to determine whether he understands, accepts, and is capable of performing his role to a reasonable extent as chief provider, protector, problem solver. He should be able to do these things averagely well. Does he make sound decisions with his money, and time? Does he have common sense and good judgment? Does he have good character and morals? Is he willing to compromise sometimes? Does he stand his ground on important issues? Is the trustworthy? Is he reliable? Loving and tender with you as a woman? Kind? Is he quick to anger? How does he handle his anger? How easily does he communicate with you about important issues? Is he a good planner? Do his actions match his words? Is he considerate? Helpful? Does he have your back? Etc. Etc.

      You find answers to this checklist by spending time with him, sharing experiences with him, talking to him, quietly observing him in various settings and interactions with others. He doesn’t have to rank at the 100% level (since NO ONE is perfect) in any of these areas and naturally, and some of them are much more important than others. He should at least get a grade of fair/average in many of these areas.

      However, YOU also must bring a certain package to the table in order to bring the best of some of these traits out in him. And if you’ve read my articles, you know I stress delaying sex because once sexual activity starts, everything else is going to be pushed to the back burner or even off the stove. LOL! Many couple never get around to vetting each other at all because sex starts on the first or second date or sometimes in the first few hours of the first date. Naturally, his skills and expectations in the intimacy department are also important but that can be determined after he meets other criteria. No matter how skilled he is sexually or how lightheaded he makes you feel, a relationship based mainly on lust is NOT going to last. I’m stressing this because sex is very powerful and causes many people to literally lose their minds and get carried away on lust. You’ll hear them later on say: “I don’t know what got into me.” LOL

      Hope this helps. I’ve written about 700 articles in which I’ve gone into exhaustive detail in many of them about vetting. Most of the articles aren’t presently available since I’m in the process of re-bundling them in sets of 20-30 articles per bundle. I would suggest you get a few of the bundles when they are available.

  4. Some men hide their shortcomings in a relationship and dont show their true color until after they know they have the woman. Been there and moved on.

    • Vanessa, many men are successful at hiding their shortcomings but they can only do that with women who EITHER don’t know how to VET men, or don’t do it for some reason. Many women are desperate to find “love” and aren’t willing to put in the time or effort to force a man to SHOW who he is. A man always SHOWS who he is by his behavior. You say he doesn’t show his true colors until AFTER they know they have the woman, but the question is HOW does he GET the woman before he shows his true colors?? When a man is going out with a woman, he is applying for a crucial position in her life, but if the woman doesn’t present tests that she should REQUIRE him to pass with a HIGH score before he gets the position then you can’t blame failure prone or damaged men for getting the position without being qualified. Many women allow their emotions to rule when they are dealing with men. These women don’t present any test for the man to pass. Or they don’t REQUIRE the man to pass with a high score. A lot of women engage in fantasy type thinking when they go out with men when they actually should regard a man the way they would a ticking nuclear bomb.

  5. “Instead, she didn’t ACT to protect herself, protect her value, and promote her interests. With this type of behavior, it goes without saying that she will lose every time.”

    Being a domestic violence survior – its easier said than done. Hopefully she got some help to leave that abusive asshole, found a great therapist and heals before going back to date with vetting. My heart can’t take another story of a woman losing her life to a male who has no respect for women and her beautiful life.

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